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β€œ David: Oooh, this is going to be the best summer ever!

*sighs* This is the worst summer ever.


—"Camp Campbell Wants YOU!"

Season 1[]

"Escape from Camp Campbell"[]

β€œ I'm not here to make friends, David. I'm here because camp is where kids are sent when their parents don't want to deal with them. Why do you think we return the favor when they hit seventy? ”

—Max, as David prompts him to make new friends

β€œ I refuse to believe someone as happy as you can possibly exist. ”

—Max, as David picks him up

β€œ You are the bane of my existence. ”

—Max, as he bumps into David just before he got to run away

β€œ David: Well kids, I hope we all learned something today.

Max: Oh, no. I hope YOU learned, David. I hope you learned that before today, you only had one little bastard to deal with. But now you've got three.


—Max, as he makes friends with the new campers


β€œ This looks like the place teenagers go to get stabbed. ”

—Max, as he sees that the Quartermaster dragged him into a forest

β€œ *sigh* Well, I guess Nikki was right. Enjoy wearing my skin! ”

—Max, ready to accept death at the hands of the Quartermaster

β€œ So what's with the Quartermaster and Jews? ”

—Max to David at the end of the episode

"Scout's Dishonor"[]


—Max, on the inexplicable weather over the Wood Scouts' camp

β€œ God your face is gross. ”

—Max, after getting up close and personal with Pikeman

β€œ Maybe I don't hate Camp Campbell. Maybe I hate everything. ”

—Max, in the den of the Wood Scouts

"Camp Cool Kidz"[]

β€œ No one's TOO cool to talk to. Even cool kids take giant, uncomfortable shits from time to time. Helps remind you that we're all equal. ”

—Max to Nikki about Ered's coolness

β€œ No! You're gonna get taken advantage of by the 1%! Rage against the machine, fight the power, 9/11! ”

—Max after the campers choose Ered as their leader

β€œ This is serious! We're leading a charge to make a difference! We are the 99%! I saw it on TV! ”

—Max, like other kids, is impressionable

"Journey to Spooky Island"[]

β€œ What's scary is how much I want to kill myself right now. ”

—Max, in response to David's not-so-spooky story about the dog that got caught in his laundry

β€œ Here's a horror story: go look at the job market you're dealing with after this camp shuts down. ”

—Max telling Gwen a spooky story

β€œ David: Alright, tough guy, so you think you're so –

(moaning and wailing in the distance)
David: Tough? Wh-what do you think about that moaning and wailing?
Max: Psh, it's just teenagers from that church camp working on those repressions again. Not that I know anything about it, just being a kid and all.


—Max, who may be repressing some things

"Reigny Day"[]

"Romeo & Juliet II: Love Resurrected"[]

β€œ Oh hello, Bonquisha. Yes, I will swipe right. ”

—Max while matching with people on David's Tinder account

"Into Town"[]

β€œ Are you fucking SERIOUS? ”
β€œ You sick bastard. Your getaway from the camp is to go CAMPING!? ”

"David Gets Hard"[]

β€œ No, no, you're being positive again! Gwen's the fucking worst! She slacks off, reads garbage, and has no idea what she's doing with her life! ”

—Max, after David ends up complimenting Gwen

"Mind Freakers"[]


"The Order of the Sparrow"[]

β€œ Do you really think a big campfire and some outdated, honestly kind of racist tradition is gonna make anyone care about anything? [...] No one gives a shit, David. Nobody wants to be here. God, it's like you live in this stupid make-believe world where everything's great. The universe doesn't work that way, idiot. Just look around. It's what I've been trying to show you since day one. Life sucks, and we live in a world of desensatized, apathetic assholes. Why don't you just get with the program, and stop giving a shit? ”

—Max's pessimistic speech to David

β€œ Do not look too deeply into this! You suck, this world sucks. And one day we're all gonna die, and none of it will matter. But if we didn't do this, I'm pretty sure you'd kill yourself or something… Or shoot up the camp, I don’t know it was a possibility’. ”

—Max to David after fixing his staff

Season 2[]

"Cult Camp"[]

β€œ Oh! You mean the bat-shit crazy cult leader YOU just put in charge of the camp? ”

—Max, annoyed at David's obliviousness

"Anti-Social Network"[]

β€œ Oh yeah we should definitely stream this, I mean, it's hypnotizing. Just listening to the back and forth ”

—-Max talking to David as he talks to a Neil-bot

"Quest to Sleepy Peak Peak"[]

β€œ What the hell are you idiots doing? ”

—Max at Nikki, Neil, Nerris, and Harrison's "quest"

"Jermy Fartz"[]

β€œ Oh. ”

—Max after the arrival of Jermy Fartz

β€œ I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU, YOU STUPID MORON! SUCK A DICK! Oh god, that feels better. ”

—Max after David messes up the bet

"Jasper Dies at the End"[]

"Quartermaster Appreciation Day"[]

β€œ Guys, I know we've done some fucked-up things before, but I think this takes the fucked-up cake. ”

—Max at the sight of Quartermaster and Quartersister's relationship.

"Bonjour Bonquisha"[]

β€œ Neil, I've never seduced a man before, but are they doing it right?" ”

—Max when the Flower Scouts are talking to David at the restaurant

"Gwen Gets a Job"[]

"Eggs Benefits"[]

β€œ Neil: Huh, that's queer.
Don't say that, Neil!...

—Neil, taking notice to a trail of platypus eggs

β€œ Nikki, calm down! It's like I told you, none of this matters. Nobody knows what they're doing when they're taking care of something too dumb to take care of itself. There is no right way of doing any of this. How do you think we turned out so fucked up!? ”

—Max's attempt to soothe Nikki's parenting fears

β€œ Fuckin' waste of a Saturday. ”

—Max, as the platypus ended up devouring its young he and Nikki looked after

"Space Camp Was a Hoax"[]

β€œ Oh no. Your nav computer, or some bullshit, is malfunctioning. ”

—Max as he sabatoges Space Kid's "space trip"

"Cookin' Cookies"[]

"Parents' Day"[]

β€œ I told you... They didn't care... ”

—Max, after David sees that only Max's name and age are on his file



β€œ Nikki: Space Kid!

Max: Leave him! He's the most expendable!


—Max, when sick Neil grabbed Space Kid.

"A Camp Camp Christmas, or Whatever"[]

β€œ So if you or someone you know it still an avid climate change denier, literally what the fuck is wrong with you!? You don't even have to go to a library, just Google "evidence supporting climate change", and learn something for christ's sake. Oh, and vaccinate your kids while you're at it. Fuckin' morons. ”

—Max during the climate change PSA

Season 3[]

"The Fun-Raiser"[]

β€œ People don't always give out of the kindness of their hearts, but they'll definitely pitch in to fuck over someone they hate. ”

—Max, after raising the money to save the camp

β€œ He's used to serving up shitty potatoes. But tonight, he's serving up JUSTICE! Give it up for the Quartermaster! ”

—Max, as he successfully made the Quartermaster beat up the counselors

"Ered Gets Her Cool Back"[]

"Foreign Exchange Campers"[]

β€œ I wouldn't get my hopes up. The reward's gonna be something stupid, like the value of teamwork, or some other bullshit that America shoves on you to make you feel good about wasting your life. But here's a secret: the American dream is dead. ”
β€œ What the fuck? We've had ice cream?! ”

—Max, after David reveals what the grand prize was

β€œ Look, guys, I know you're disappointed that you probably won't get to have that ice cream. But don't you think it's better that at least one of us gets what we want? Thanks for understanding. ”

—Max, to Nikki and Neil after he double-crosses them

"Nikki's Last Day on Earth"[]

β€œ Hey. You- Don't- Uh...tears? ”

—Max, trying to comfort Nikki but ultimately failing

"Dial M For Jasper"[]

β€œ Did you bury his body, you sick fuck!? ”

—Max, questioning Quartermaster about Jasper

β€œ Nah, there's nothing in here but racist scams and stupid movie ideas ”

—Max Seeing Cameron Campbell's discarded Idea folder

"The Lake Lilac Summer Social"[]

β€œ God, I hope someone spiked the punch. ”

—Max, voicing his discontent with the Lake Lilac Summer Social

"Cameron Campbell the Camp Campbell Camper"[]

β€œ Agent Miller: So that brings your total community service hours to 23,487.



—Max's response to Campbell's sentence shortening.

"Something Fishy"[]

"The Candy Kingpin"[]

"Operation: Charlie Tango Foxtrot"[]

β€œ So what you're telling us is you basically failed at everything. And then you wasted our time with this boring, dumbass story. ”

"City Survival"[]

β€œ Hey, what are you filmin' here? Crime drama, horror comedy, some sort of stupid YouTube prank? ”

"Camp Corp."[]

β€œ Aw fuck. I'm sorry guys. I didn't go through all of this for Camp Campbell. I did it... for you guys. Because you're my friends. And I just didn't want to admit it. Because when the time comes to say goodbye... I'd have something to lose. But now, trying to go through life on my own seems pretty fucking stupid now. ”

—-Max, after Cameron revealed his scheme


"Arrival of the Torso Takers"[]

β€œ Preston? Oh god, I'm shouting for PRESTON! ”

—-Max, while searching for the other campers

β€œ Uh, I don't know who to shoot, so I'll just shoot you both! ”

—Max, while watching David fighting Daniel disguised as David

"Culture Day"[]

Season 4[]

"Keep the Change"[]

"Attack of the Nurfs"[]

"Who Peed the Lake"[]

"New Adventure!"[]

"The Quarter-Moon Convergence"[]

"Follow the Leader"[]

"Preston Goodplay's Good Play"[]

"After Hours"[]

"Camp Loser Says What?"[]

"Squirrel Camp"[]

"Cameron Campbell Can't Handle the Truth Serum"[]

"The Forest"[]

β€œ Eh, bit of a stretch. ”

—Max after David's speech

"Campfire Tales"[]

β€œ That's precious, You're like a marshmallow in human form. ”

—- Max, after David says he'll tell some scary stories "if you can handle it"

"Fashion Victims"[]

β€œ I don't know why you're forcing us to watch a bunch of future Ms. Teen Pregnancies totter around on six-inch stripper heels. ”

—Max, after being forced to attend the fashion show fundraiser organised by the Flower Scouts

"Party Pooper"[]

"Panicked Room"[]

"The Butterfinger Effect"[]

"Time Crapsules"[]


About Max[]

β€œ I am dying, Max! You just don't care because you're selfish, and you only ever care about yourself! That's what selfish means! ”

—Nikki to Max, after his failed attempt of comforting her, "Nikki's Last Day on Earth"