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David: Oooh, this is going to be the best summer ever!

*sighs* This is the worst summer ever.

—"Camp Campbell Wants YOU!"

Season 1

"Escape from Camp Campbell"

I'm not here to make friends, David. I'm here because camp is where kids are sent when their parents don't want to deal with them. Why do you think we return the favor when they hit seventy?

—Max, as David prompts him to make new friends

I refuse to believe someone as happy as you can possibly exist.

—Max, as David picks him up

You are the bane of my existence.

—Max, as he bumps into David just before he got to run away

David: Well kids, I hope we all learned something today.

Max: Oh, no. I hope YOU learned, David. I hope you learned that before today, you only had one little bastard to deal with. But now you've got three.

—Max, as he makes friends with the new campers


This looks like the place teenagers go to get stabbed.

—Max, as he sees that the Quartermaster dragged him into a forest

*sigh* Well, I guess Nikki was right. Enjoy wearing my skin!

—Max, ready to accept death at the hands of the Quartermaster

"Scout's Dishonor"


—Max, on the inexplicable weather over the Wood Scouts' camp

God your face is gross.

—Max, after getting up close and personal with Pikeman

Maybe I don't hate Camp Campbell. Maybe I hate everything.

—Max, in the den of the Wood Scouts

"Camp Cool Kidz"

No one's TOO cool to talk to. Even cool kids take giant, uncomfortable shits from time to time. Helps remind you that we're all equal.

—Max to Nikki about Ered's coolness

This is serious! We're leading a charge to make a difference! We are the 99%! I saw it on TV!

—Max, like other kids, is impressionable

"Journey to Spooky Island"

What's scary is how much I want to kill myself right now.

—Max, in response to David's not-so-spooky story about the dog that got caught in his laundry

Here's a horror story: go look at the job market you're dealing with after this camp shuts down.

—Max telling Gwen a spooky story

David: Alright, tough guy, so you think you're so –

(moaning and wailing in the distance)
David: Tough? Wh-what do you think about that moaning and wailing?
Max: Psh, it's just teenagers from that church camp working on those repressions again. Not that I know anything about it, just being a kid and all.

—Max, who may be repressing some things

"Reigny Day"

"Romeo & Juliet II: Love Resurrected"

Oh hello, Bonquisha. Yes, I will swipe right.

—Max while matching with people on David's Tinder account

"Into Town"

"David Gets Hard"

No! Gwen's the fucking worst! She slacks off, reads garbage, and has no idea what she's doing with her life!

—Max, after David ends up complimenting Gwen

"Mind Freakers"


"The Order of the Sparrow"

Season 2

"Cult Camp"

Oh! You mean the bat-shit crazy cult leader YOU just put in charge of the camp?

—Max, annoyed at David's obliviousness

"Anti-Social Network"

Oh yeah we should definitely stream this, I mean, it's hypnotizing. Just listening to the back and forth

—-Max talking to David as he talks to a Neil-bot

"Quest to Sleepy Peak Peak"

"Jermy Fartz"


—-Max after David messes up the bet

"Jasper Dies at the End"

"Quartermaster Appreciation Day"

"Bonjour Bonquisha"

Neil, I've never seduced a man before, but are they doing it right?"

—Max when the Flower Scouts are talking to David at the restaurant

"Gwen Gets a Job"

"Eggs Benefits"

Neil: Huh, that's queer.
Don't say that, Neil!...

—Neil, taking notice to a trail of platypus eggs

Fucking waste of a Saturday.

—Max, as the platypus ended up devouring its young he and Nikki looked after

"Space Camp Was a Hoax"

"Cookin' Cookies"

"Parents' Day"

I told you... They didn't care...

—Max, after David sees that only Max's name and age are on his file



Nikki:Space Kid! Max: Leave him! He's the most expendable!

—-Max, when sick Neil grabbed Space Kid.

"A Camp Camp Christmas, or Whatever"

Season 3

"The Fun-Raiser"

He's used to serving up shitty potatoes. But tonight, he's serving up JUSTICE! Give it up for the Quartermaster!

—Max, as he successfully made the Quartermaster beat up the counselors

"Ered Gets Her Cool Back"

"Foreign Exchange Campers"

What the fuck? We've had ice cream?!

—Max, after David reveals what the grand prize was

Look, guys, I know you're disappointed that you probably won't get to have that ice cream. But don't you think it's better that at least one of us gets what we want? Thanks for understanding.

—Max, to Nikki and Neil after he double-crosses them

"Nikki's Last Day on Earth"

Hey. You- Don't- Uh...tears?

—Max, trying to comfort Nikki but ultimately failing

"Dial M For Jasper"

"The Lake Lilac Summer Social"

"Cameron Campbell the Camp Campbell Camper"

"Something Fishy"

"The Candy Kingpin"

"Operation: Charlie Tango Foxtrot"

"City Survival"

"Camp Corp."

Aw fuck. I'm sorry guys. I didn't go through all of this for Camp Campbell. I did it... for you guys. Because you're my friends. And I just didn't want to admit it. Because when the time comes to say goodbye... I'd have something to lose. But now, trying to go through life on my own seems pretty fucking stupid now.

—-Max, after Cameron revealed his scheme


"Arrival of the Torso Takers"

Preston? Oh god, I'm shouting for PRESTON!

—-Max, while searching for the other campers

Uh, I don't know who to shoot, so I'll just shoot you both!

—Max, while watching Daniel fighting David disguised as David

"Culture Day"

Season 4

"Keep the Change"

"Attack of the Nurfs"

"Who Peed the Lake"

"New Adventure!"

"The Quarter-Moon Convergence"

"Follow the Leader"

"Preston Goodplay's Good Play"

"After Hours"

"Camp Loser Says What?"

"Squirrel Camp"

"Cameron Campbell Can't Handle the Truth Serum"

"The Forest"

"Campfire Tales"

That's precious, You're like a marshmallow in human form.

—- Max, after David says he'll tell some scary stories "if you can handle it"

"Fashion Victims"


About Max

I am dying, Max! You just don't care because you're selfish, and you only ever care about yourself! That's what selfish means!

—Nikki to Max, after his failed attempt of comforting her, "Nikki's Last Day on Earth"

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